A Lesson in Parenting
by onlyonceinforever
Summary: Formerly "Draco's Issues". A two-part oneshot. Would that qualify as a two shot? Whatever. Draco has an issue, but no one can figure out what it is. Please R&R! :TWOSHOT: :COMPLETE:
1. A Minor Lesson in Parenting

**Disclaimer: At this point I own even less that before. **

**Draco's Issues**

Draco was pissed. Anyone within a 50 foot radius knew that. And between him slamming doors and breaking things, it was pretty obvious. But the question on everybody's mind, from Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy to Dobby the house elf, was "Why?"

Why was Draco so put off? His normally unshakable demeanor had veen shaken by something, but no one knew what. It had to be something big, they all figured, to set him so far off his rocker. His pedigree Malfoy posterior was no longer visible, and one who was watching from afar might have the impression that they were watching a young child throwing a particularly violent temper tantrum.

Draco stormed through the house in a manner very unworthy of the Malfoy name. Doors that needent be shut were slammed much louder than necessary, innocent objects that found themselves in the way were hexed into next week, and a house elf came very close to having its ears blown off.

He made his way up to his private chambers, breaking and storming all the way. The door slammed shut audibly, so much so that Lucius and Narcissa could hear it on a different level of the house.

The two parental figures exchanged looks. Who was going to have to deal with their son? Such a thing had never occurred before, so there was no system developed for dealing with such matters. So, they chose a simple, yet effective one.

Lucius pulled a silver Sickle from the pocket of his robes.

"Heads I talk to him, tails, you. Agreed?" Narcissa nodded. Lucius flipped the coin into the air and both adults watched its slow descent to the floor apprehensively. Comically, they leaned over the coffee table simultaneously to observe the result and the coin's decree.

"Heads!" Narcissa crowed triumphantly. "I'll be waiting with bated breath for your return." Lucius scowled and followed his son rather reluctantly up the stairs, Narcissa's laughter echoing in the background.

Upon reaching Draco's room, Lucius drew a calming breath and knocked on the door. He winced as the sound of shattering glass accompanied Draco's begrudging response to enter. He pushed the door open slowly, pausing to observe the damage.

It wasn't nearly as bas as Lucius had anticipated. This could be pretty much attributed to a charm placed on the room which repaired everything moments after it was broken. Genius, really, as it allowed Draco to smash things as many times as he liked without consequence. If Lucius wasn't so busy trying to figure out what he was gong to say, he would have been very impressed with his son's magical ability.

Draco barely spared his father a glance as he launched a frame bearing the Malfoy crest towards a glass figure in the shape of a serpent. They collided, sending shards of material in every direction. Lucius remained in the doorway, not wanting to venture any further into the room. Mentally, he reprimanded himself.

He was a follower of the all powerful Lord Voldemort, he had tortured more Muggles than most people met in their life time, people trembled and fell to their knees at the sound of his name. And he was going to be scared of his adolescent son?

A rather large shard of wood exploded on the wall by his head. Was he going to be afraid?

Yes. He was going to be very, very afraid.

**Ah, the joys of being bored out of your mind during english and geometry. I originally started it cuz I was rather pissed off about what I got on my practice CAPT for English to be a later chapter in Behind Closed Doors, but managed to turn it into something a bit more entertaining. Please review!**


	2. Learning Something New

**Disclaimer: Let's see, if I didn't own anything before, what in the world would make you think that I own anything now? That's what I thought.**

**And now, how Lucius will deal with Draco! -horns and whistles blow- I know, I know, you've been waiting all your life for this. So, why are you still reading this pointless space killer? Get on to the story already! Sheesh.**

"Um, Draco?" Lucius drew a breath, hoping his son wasn't about to launch something hard, breakable and/or aluminum at his head. Draco's response was a sneer and more shattered glass. Lucius decided that it was in his best interests to finish this quickly. "Your mother and I - well, more your mother that I - were wondering exactly what it is that's got you so... worked up."

Draco took the time to launch another breakable object at the wall before replying with a nasty sneer.

"You don't really care, do you?" Lucius looked taken aback. "I bet you lost a gamble to Mother and she forced you to come up here. Are my assumptions correct?" Lucius nodded tentatively. "That's what I thought."

They stood in near silence (except for the tinkling of breaking glass), until Lucius spoke again.

"Listen, Draco-" He stopped when a death glare was sent his way. He spoke faster, desiring nothing more than to escape the hell hole that his son's room had become. "Your mother won't let me back downstairs until I figure out what's wrong with you, so it'll be easier on both of us if you just tell me what the problem is."

Draco ignored him.

_Two. Hours. Later._

Draco and Lucius sat on the former's bed in silence. Draco had grown bored with breaking things an hour and a half before and had bewitched the objects to break themselves. Lucius was still trying to figure out how to talk to his son. As it would turn out, Draco was growing impatient quickly and would volunteer the information himself.

"So," he said sharply, startling Lucius out of his reverie, "I have things to do, house elves to torture, so I would prefer if we could bring this little meeting to an end as soon as humanly possible. Agreed?"

Lucius nodded. Draco ignored him and continued.

"Well, you see, as it would happen, something had happened to me that has changed my life." Lucius's eyebrows shot up into his hair. This was a breakthrough. Draco never volunteered information regarding his personal life, which could probably be attributed to him being at that awkward age and all. He (Lucius) regained his composure and waited for him (Draco) to continue, which he did with something akin to promptness.

"It started out just like any other day - I woke up obscenely early, blew up the toilet, et cetera, et cetera, went down to breakfast (after kicking Dobby the stairs, of course), and then, it happened." Draco paused, probably for dramatic suspense. Lucius was on the edge of his seat (which was really the bed), waiting for Draco to continue, which he eventually got around to.

"So, I put a piece of toast in the toaster and-. What?" Lucius was giving Draco a look that could confuse the smartest monkey alive. Of course, Draco wasn't the smartest monkey alive, but, for a human, was pretty sharp. "Oh. Right. I felt like cooking."

Lucius fell off the bed.

Draco observed this indifferently and continued, suppressing an amused grin, but otherwise ignored him.

"So, I put a piece of toast in the toaster and pushed the little button to start it and sat down at the table to read the newspaper-"

Lucius blanched. Draco ignored him.

"So, I had just gotten through the sports section - Lucius almost fainted - when I heard the little buzzing noise that tells you when you food is done, so I got up and headed back to the kitchen to get my toast."

"Who are you and what have you done with my son?" Lucius asked, still in his position on the floor. Draco ignored him.

"So, I headed back into the kitchen (after kicking Dobby out of the doorway, of course) and went over to the toaster, and what do I see?" He paused again, causing Lucius - who was at this point deeply engrossed with the story - to almost strangle Draco for leaving him at a cliffhanger. "Do you know what I saw?"

Lucius shook his head. Draco ignored him.

"What I saw would change my life forever."

To be continued...

Just kidding.

"What I saw was... burned toast. Yes, that's right, burned toast. My precious toast, which I worked so hard to make, had been burned by that bloody toaster!" Draco started to rant.

Lucius fainted. Draco ignored him.

"THAT GOD DAMN TOASTER KILLED THE ONE THING I EVER CARED ABOUT! IT MUST PAY FOR ITS IM-COMPLIANCE AND IMPOTENCE! IT WILL NOT COME AWAY ALIVE ONCE I GET THROUGH WITH IT!" Draco whipped his wand out of the pocket of his robes, coming very close to concussing Lucius, who had recently regained consciousness. Lucius regained his senses just in time to observe his son storming out of the room, slamming the door rather loudly behind him. Lucius figured nothing good could possibly come from the entire house being blown up and hurried down the stairs after Draco.

He caught up with him just as Draco threw the double doors to the kitchen wide open, wand out, screaming obscenities in German. Lucius didn't take the time to ponder where Draco had learned German, instead opting to tackle him from behind. The two fell to the floor, narrowly missing Dobby, who was in something of a hurry to escape the mayhem and madness.

"LET ME GO LET ME GO LET ME GO LET ME GO!" Draco struggled with all his might as the author has somewhat dirty thoughts. (A/N: And no, you gutterminds, that was not meant to be dirty, and no this is not turning into a slashy goodness Draco/Lucius fic. Sorry guys!) Lucius ignored Draco's distressed protests (Wow, this is getting dirtier and dirtier by the sentence!) as the pair rolled around on the tiled floor, wrestling for control of Draco's wand as it randomly exploded various electrical appliances.

Eventually, about twenty minutes and a video tape later, they stopped and opted to remain collapsed on the floor in exhaustion. Narcissa walked in just in time to observe yet another very unMalfoyish moment - Draco having a breakdown.

Tears streamed down his face, perfect hair quite disheveled. He sobbed into the linoleum, a perfect image of what it does not mean to be a Malfoy.

Draco had a breakdown. Lucius ignored him.

**Wow, this turned out to be considerably longer than I originally intended. Oh well. I suppose that's what a uber boring movie in bio plus a notebook gets ya. God, I don't think I've ever misspelled Lucius as Lucious before. So not cool. I think I've been hanging around Celia too much.**


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